Maiden's Choice: the Randland Infomercial!
by Kamarile
Summary: Have you ever wondered what hard-core athlete Far Dareis Mai need to survive the heat? Well have we got a product for you!


(We see a solitary figure walking amid towering rock spires. The molten sun is a blister in the sky. Close up on the figure. It is a woman in cadin'sor. She wipes the sweat off her face and turns to the camera.)  
WOMAN: Blood and Ashes! What a hot day! I'm sweating like a... like a... (Aiel have no such thing as a pig, so she looks for a word to fit) Like a...  
  
NARRATOR VOICE-OVER: Have you been in to many sweat tents and not enough showers? Has raiding your blood-enemy become a weekly stink-fest? Are you fed up with the fact that your cadin'sor has LONG sleeves in 120 degree weather? You're not alone.  
  
MAIDEN #2: Serving the Car'a'carn with my stink brings me great shame. I have toh to all I have offended. Please help me meet my toh!!!  
  
NARRATOR: We can help all you stinky Far Dareis Mai! Introducing the new Maiden's Choice feminine deodorant! This clear, non-stick gel glides on smoothly and helps protect against odor and wetness. And it's not just for Maidens!  
  
(Cut to reporter interviewing Sevanna)  
  
SEVANNA: (Unbuttons her blouse a bit and wiggles her shoulders as she talks) I think this new product is absolutely fabulous. I always need to smell flowery fresh for my new career move: becoming a clan chief and a Wise One without knowing what the hell I'm doing! I've also made sketchy plans to conquer Rand al'Thor with the incidental aid of a mysterious man who seems not of this Age! He never would've helped me if I had smelled bad.  
  
REPORTER: Fantastic! And what about you three?  
  
BAIN AND CHIAD: (in unison) We obey ji'e'toh. We agree wholeheartedly with chief and Wise One Sevanna.  
  
FAILE: Listen here, you bloody goat-kissing Trolloc! I hate your stupid deodorant! In fact, I...! (She is mysteriously knocked out by a falling poodle.)  
  
NARRATOR: (brushing the dog hair off his hands) There you have it. Four more satisfied customers. Now with us in the studio are the three surviving dreamwalkers-- please welcome Bair, Amys and Melaine! What do you three ladies think of "Maiden's Choice"?  
  
MELAINE: Never have the dreams foretold of a product this superior.  
  
AMYS: This is quite unexpected.  
  
BAIR: We are impressed.  
  
NARRATOR: Yes, the dreamwalkers love it too. And look! Here in the studio it's our special guest for tonight! Folks, please welcome the Watcher of the Seals, the Flame of Tar Valon... yes, that's right!... Egwene al'Vere, the Amyrlin Seat! Mother, what do YOU think of "Maiden't Choice?  
  
(Indeed Eggy IS there, decked out in staff, stole, et cetera. She smiles at the camera.)  
  
EGWENE: Well, Bob, I've studied with the Aiel dreamwalkers for a fourth of the series. I am truly Aiel in heart and hope to be a proud wearer of this product.  
  
NARRATOR: But you're Aes Sedai! You don't sweat!  
  
EGWENE: I have the heart of an Aiel. However, I cannot say the same for my underarms until they are coated in your product.  
  
NARRATOR: A touching bit of personal information. Now let's go to our hidden cameras in Rand al'Thor's throne room in Caemlyn. We'll see if the Dragon Reborn, the world's most eligable bachelor, can tell the difference between the girl who is wearing "Maiden's Choice" and those who are not.  
  
(Cut to the throne room. Rand and Min are making out rather noisily when Aviendha comes in. Min jumps up hastily, and Rand rubs the lipstick smudges off his face.)  
  
AVIENDHA: Hello, Rand al'Thor. I hate you.  
  
RAND: Gee, baby, I thought I meant something to ya!  
  
AVI: Wrong. I hate you. You do not know anything about honor. You shame me.  
  
RAND: But...  
  
AVI: I hate you.  
  
MIN: *sniff* I hate you too, snookums!!  
  
RAND: *snort* You've been hanging out with Egwene too much, both of you. And to think I exchanged bodily fluids with the two of you!  
  
AVI: *glares at Min* Rand al'Thor!  
  
MIN: *glares at Avi* Rand al'Thor!  
  
ELAYNE: *entering, glares at the three of them and as Rand is the only man in the room glares at him* Rand al'Thor!  
  
EGWENE: *is busy collecting her royalties- a hefty sum- and realizes she isn't the only one on Rand's mind anymore, and becomes indignant* Rand al'Thor!  
  
AVI: Ooh, you shame me on cable television, Rand al'Thor!  
  
RAND: Er... um.... uh.. hey! Avi, baby! What's that stuff you have on! You smell flowery fresh!  
  
NARRATOR: And he does! Even the Dragon Reborn can tell who is wearing our product. Well, That's all the time we have for today. So until next time, stay fresh, and tell all your spear-sisters about "Maiden's Choice"!  
  
(A blond model in cadin'sor who is very obviously not Aiel holds up a stick and smiles.)  
  
MODEL: It's Far Dareis MY choice! (she winks at the camera. Fade out.)   
  
Kamarile  
  



End file.
